What Your Imposter Syndrome is Teaching Your Child

What Your Imposter Syndrome Is Teaching Your Child

For the past nine years, I’ve talked regularly about imposter syndrome: over 1,000 posts, 700+ executive interviews, and 17,000 LinkedIn connections.

I’ve talked about burnout, perfectionism, over-preparing, comparing, and quiet self-doubt at the top levels of success.

But I’ve always steered clear of this topic – what your imposter syndrome is teaching your child.

Not because it doesn’t matter, but because it matters so much. I was worried it would feel like too much.

Maybe it’s too heavy. Too close to the bone. Too likely to trigger guilt and shame in the people I care most about working with – high-performing, deeply loving parents.

But I’ve realised this silence could be costing too much. And it’s time to break the silence.

Your Child Feels It

Even if you hide it well, and they never say a word. Even if you keep showing up, smiling, working hard, and giving them everything, your child feels your imposter syndrome.

They feel the tension under the surface. They see how you hesitate before speaking up. They witness your over-preparing, self-doubt, and constant striving. They notice your absence at dinner or bedtime because you’re overworking. They feel less important to you when you’re distracted at weekends and not fully present with them. They see you frustrated and impatient because of your stress. They watch how you apologise for your success or diminish your needs to keep everyone else comfortable.

And children instinctively absorb the reality of what we do, not what we say.

How Can You Tell?

Your first clue that you’re passing on your imposter syndrome is you’ll start to see your imposter syndrome behaviours echoed in your child.

If they have a tantrum, being furious at themselves for making a mistake, or burst into tears, devastated when something goes wrong, then they’ve learned perfectionism. Internally, their mistakes or being wrong make them ‘bad.’ Not good enough.

Do you hear them putting themselves down? That’s your self-criticism mirrored back to you, with an added dose of comparing.

What about anxiety about speaking up or being visible? Too often, this is labelled as shyness, but it can be avoiding criticism, too.

You may also see their fear of taking up an opportunity and possibly failing. If you don’t try you can’t fail, is the unconscious thinking.

This is all self-doubt and imposter syndrome that they have picked up from your lived example.

What They Learn

When your children witness your imposter syndrome, they don’t see it as your internal struggle.

They see it as the template for adulthood and for leadership. 

They see it as the template for how to be a good person in the world.

Even without words, they’re learning destructive ideas like:

·       You have to earn your worth.

·       Confidence is dangerous.

·       Mistakes mean you’re not good enough.

·       Success brings pressure, not peace.

·       Being loved means never taking up too much space.

And this breaks my heart.

Because none of these ideas and beliefs are true, and it doesn’t have to be their story.

If you don’t ‘heal’ your imposter syndrome, you’re not just carrying it for yourself. You’re passing it on.

It’s a painful legacy that can last your child a lifetime.

But the good news is that if you do heal it, then you break the cycle.

You become the model your child needs not of perfection, but of calm, grounded, honest self-worth.

You show them that success can be joyful and an adventure. That rest is allowed. That failure doesn’t touch your value. That confidence can be easy, steady, and safe.

And perhaps most importantly, you become emotionally available in a way that your children feel.

Without imposter syndrome, you are not distracted. Not depleted. Not quietly doubting yourself while giving them everything except the one thing they need most: your inner peace.

It’s About Power

This discussion is not about blame or shame.

I know it feels easier to say, “I can’t invest in myself right now. My kids come first.”

But your kids don’t need more activities. They don’t need more stuff. They need you; present, clear, emotionally whole.

If you want to invest in your children’s future, start by investing in the version of you they’re learning from every single day.

Let this be the moment when you decide this legacy of self-doubt stops with you. 

The moment when you model something new. Not perfect. Not performative. Just real, grounded self-belief.

This is the message I avoided sharing for too long. But it’s the one that matters most.